Ek Kolaveri, jo zindagi badal de..

November 24, 2011 1 comment

Mr Singh,

We salute your spirit and your valour… Well done !

You have made the nation proud

You have assaulted the shrewdest of shrewd

You have slapped the epitome of corruption

You have attacked “the cancer” in the national administration

It was a bit mild, we would have preferred something more…

But keep it up, you inspire us; ignite our souls; motivate us to get rid of such systemic garbage

Kudos to you; May there be many more like you!

Inquililab Jindabad,

CS

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The little bitches are in town…

November 12, 2011 4 comments

8th of November, 2011. A historic day in our life. A day of achievement, fullfilment and a vitamin-C supplement.

It all started with a ring on the doorbell. As the ring grew louder, it pulled us out of our slumber. It was 12 in the afternoon. The three of us roomies had planned to do something concrete that day and were on a synchronised sick leave. November-december is “sick leave planning” time (just as february-march is “tax planning” time).

The bell continued to haunt us. We normally ignore door bells during the 9:00 to 18:00 frame if we happen to be around. And we ignored this one as well, to our own peril.

Within seconds, our fans slowed down; the radio – our electronic lullaby – playing in the background went mute; and we, sick.

With bad breath as our companion, we rushed down in search of the MSEB dude who was courteous enough to have attempted to warn us of the impending disaster. But we were late – the electric trip switch to our apartment was already pulled down and the enclosure locked. Could it be that Neo (“the One” from “The Matrix”) was newly recruited in MSEB? We were not too sure!

We roamed around the society looking for Neo as well as other possible offenders, but were shocked to find both missing. What bothered us more was that we were still 30 bucks short of the cut-out limit of 1200 rupees.

Thanks Mr. Murphie – When things have to go wrong, they will.

But we are software engineers – mostly reactive, rarely proactive. We jumped into fire fighting mode:

  • A (that’s me) – went online to pay the dues
  • B and C collected the online receipt printout from D (who was luckily not sick that day).

They managed to pay the rest of the dues (for oiling the machinery) and within 2 hours of the payment, we were back in the grid. By the way, the “rest of the dues” were collected in an official/legal manner. None of the workers in the local office were ready to help us out for a quick buck. We are proud of you Anna; I was extremely happy to witness this positive development in our system – things are definitely improving (no sarcasm here).

And no, we were definitely not ashamed for trying to bribe. You know, we were simply testing the system.

I wonder why I wonder how
That it seems that the power’s getting stronger everyday
I feel a strength, an inner fire
But I’m scared I won’t be able to control it anymore

And then, to make the rest of the day productive, we decided it was time to take action. Action against our slender,delicate roommates who were accused of sharing rental space, but not paying the dues. Of sharing our food as if it was some Shahi Langar. Of troubling us in the morning and eating up our valuable washing/cleaning time. They were members of the opposite sex who had invaded our space in the month of March and have been with us since then (don’t start salivating now).

We felt a little sad as they were the weak ones. They were our little bitches. We had planned for some fatalities as well in case things did’nt go as planned. Fortunately for us, they were also members of the other species – the bloody roaches (gotcha!!).

The combing operation had begun. With a can of LAAL Hit and a lethal WMD (my expired credit card), we set out on a rampage. There were heavy casualties on the opposite side. We continued feverishly, but they outnumbered us heavily!

There’s a time to live and a time to die,
When it’s time to meet the Maker,
There’s a time to live, but isn’t it strange
That as soon as you’re born you’re dying!!

The next day claimed its first casualty on our end (I was down with fever). Finally, both parties called for a truce and a cease fire was ordered. The bitches continue to live on, but have been restricted to within the newly drawn LOC – our Prestige FLITE induction cooker (some of them still survive and replicate inside this warm, cosy enclosure).

All is well.

Satyameva Jayate!
CS

PS: Embedded lyrics – “The Clairvoyant” (Iron Maiden)

The story of Klinku

September 18, 2011 2 comments

Warning: Not meant for animal lovers and sensitive people. If you still have the balls/guts/nuts/etc., then read on…

It was a dry summer afternoon. Klinku was wandering along the deserted Koripol Street.

President’s Rule had been imposed on the state – the Chief Minister had been bludgeoned by members of the opposition party – the Vikali Jan-Shokpal  Dal. Angry mobs had already devastated major portion of public property and had burnt down the public offices of the Shokpal Dal in and around the Koripol Naka.

Klinku was lost. Disowned by his family in chaos that engulfed the state of Kokachal Pradesh. He was alone, dirty, hungry but not petrified. He continued his search for the one thing that mattered the most – something to satisfy his gurgling tummy. Anything, just about anything would make his day – a piece of roti, bread or even a half empty packet of Parle-G biscuits – his all time favourite. But illa, it was not his lucky day.

Karam Gogoi, an adivasi warrior of the Samer tribe – one of the last few tribes in north-eastern jungles of Bharat, living under the constant fear of extinction, had a dilemma of his own. It had been almost a month since his family had a proper adivasi meal. The curfew had made things even worse. It was difficult to procure the essential components of their daily meal so they had to do with drinking water from the nearby jharna and eating bland rice.

The sun had already set upon Kokachal Pradesh. The dry heat was making Klinku dizzy, and the hunger and weakness had squeezed out all his energy. He fell asleep  near the bench behind the Municipal hospital with a weird thought troubling him – was it going to be his last and final sleep? He was unsure.

Karam was desperate. He could not bear the thought of his children dying of hunger and decided to venture out into the civilian lands – something that was forbidden in his community. He had heard of stories of their men getting caught, tortured and executed by members of the civil society. But the feeling of hope surpassed all other feelings that he carried with him.

The enclosure was cosy and comfortable; lying on a hay bale with sun rays filtering through the thatched roof. Is this heaven? Klinku was perplexed. He could smell something – the aroma of basmati rice was unmistakable – yes this was indeed heaven, he concluded. He had never imagined death could have been so easy and heaven would be such a wonderful place. He shed all his inhibitions and gorged on the rice. So what if it was partially cooked – it was good enough for his ailing tummy. After finishing around two – three kilos of rice Klinku was back. He had never felt that way in years and could not believe that death could be so rewarding. He went back to sleep with a euphoric feeling of afterlife.

Karam had never felt better in his life. He was the first among the Samers to have successfully made it to the civilian area and back. And he had successfully laid his hands on what he wanted  – his prize was right now sleeping cosily in the beetle leaf thatched dog hut. His two beautiful wives Jali and Kali were preparing the fire for cooking while he was preparing the bamboo stick he had personally selected from the jungle for that day. The children were admiring the cute little thing asleep inside the dog hut, totally ignorant of its inevitable fate. They say – ignorance is bliss. So be it.

Ingredients and accessories (from Jali Gogoi’s notes):

  1. Water soaked Rice (preferably basmati) – Around 3 kgs
  2. Coconut milk – half a litre
  3. Vikrandi oil – 2 tbsp
  4. Bamboo stick coated with a thin layer of vikrandi oil
  5. An extremely hungry and weak dojjy (preferably from NE)
  6. Jungle fire for  cooking

Preparation:

  • Mix the coconut milk and vikrandi oil to prepare an emulsion and keep aside
  • Cook the rice for 5 mins only on medum heat. Take it off the flame and add the emulsion prepared earlier.
  • Feed the hungry dojjy with the rice until it falls asleep. Then tie its limbs to the opposite ends of the bamboo (with due respect). Hang the bamboo horizontally over the flame. Ensure that there is no direct flame on the dojjy‘s body.
  • Take it down after 25-30 mins. Make a logitudinal incision on the ventral side of the dojjy to cut open the belly to reveal the fully cooked rice – Adivasi style.
  • Serve hot.

Moral: Heaven might be better than death, but death is definitely better than hell on earth!!

*All names changed to protect the identities of the creatures (including the dog)

**What one may like as food, others may shunn… Basically in life, one must have funn.

PS: I love dogs as well as chicken. But I eat only one of them.

Yehuda Bhumi 2011 – Lessons Learnt

September 16, 2011 Leave a comment

Seems as if I have logged in after almost a decade. Came across this offline blog I had written during my not so recent visit to Israel; here it goes…

It’s my first visit to the land that embodies the survivor spirit – Yisrael or Israel as it is officially known as. My apartment is located in Tel Aviv and every day (barring the Sabbath days), I travel to my office in Sderot which is small town located quite close to the Gaza strip. So many things immediately grab your attention:

  • The infrastructure here is simply audacious. Well organized towns/cities located at distant points on the huge desert that Israel is, connected together by highways/roadways that are decorated by monstrous power transmission towers.
  • People respect the traffic rules. The zebra crossing and the traffic signals mean something to the people here (we seem to have forgotten those things back in nursery itself).
  • The term “work life balance” seems to have been coined in this country. People are cool here. Reaching office at 9, starting actual work at 11 and leaving before 6:30 is the norm. This attitude unfortunately becomes a major disadvantage for them as their jobs get outsourced to us Asians for whom “work=life”. But they don’t seem to care.

Makes you wonder – why?

The answer is clear – the people here love their country as well as themselves and are proud of their roots. Is this possible in India? I guess not. We Indians have something that we are so proud of, but which I think is unfortunately pulling down on our legs. It’s called SECULARISM. And something we aren’t so proud of – CORRUPTION.

And that is the reason why …

  • We focus on fighting for Telanganas rather than developing our Hindustan.
  • We put our efforts in shooing off some Bhaiyyas and Bhabhis back to where they are ‘mass produced’.
  • We make sure that the ‘upcoming’ bridge in Chembur ‘comes up’ at a snail’s pace, making even the existing traffic conditions worse.
  • We are always in a hurry to get somewhere and strongly believe that all roads are indeed our pop’s property.

The need of the hour for every Indian is to cultivate that love for the nation and our fellow brethren (and their ‘sistren’) and foster the development spirit of the nation and lead it towards the ‘Pinnacle of Perfection’ (that’s the marketing phrase of a Std. 12 coaching institute popular in southern-central Mumbai 🙂 ).

See this thing below?

No, it’s not an Indian orange. It’s an Israeli sweet lime. And I swear it was sweeter than the sweetest Indian sweet lime.

This has got more to do with technology than patriotism? Think again.

Shalom,

CS

Categories: Travel Tags: , ,

I have some queries ma’am

What is wrong if …

  • a person strives to become famous and uses his/her fame for the betterment of the nation?
  • a yoga guru tries to play the role of a “toilet cleaner” and tries to sanitize the nation?
  • DJ, Karan, Aslam, Sukhi, and Laxman decide to kill the defence minister?
  • What happens when …

  • the cabinet is full of hypocrite bastards with arses smelling of double standards?
  • the country’s PM is a senile gentleman who prefers to hide beneath the Italian Ghagra rather than gracefully resign?
  • we have a president whose role probably she herself does not understand?
  • the Italian Ghagra becomes so powerful, that it can literally shroud the entire nation in the darkness of corruption?
  • Why is/does …

  • the TC at the railway station prefers to let it happen and then provides the perpetrators with two alternatives ? (ek case mein receipt milega sir, but aapko court mein bhi aana padega)
  • the non-corrupt path is so screwed up by the rules/legislations, that the only alternative is corruption?
  • the pace of infrastructure development so “amazing”, that event tortoises seem to be breaking the sound barrier?
  • politics the #1 business in India?
  • Can somebody answer please?

    The mystery of escaping defects and Obama (or Osama ?)

    Today one of our managers sent us a picture of an Indian news channel having published the news of “Obama’s” death, adding his  own message at the end – Ensure that your code does not have similar escaping defects 🙂

    We assured him for a moment that we would take care, but will we? Rather, the question is – can we? In-fact the Indian media was not the only one to commit this blasphemy; the western media was at the forefront declaring “Obama Bin Laden is dead“. One cannot expect such silly mistakes from a channel of Fox News‘ caliber – but yes, it happened. I am sure they must be biting their own tongue now that they realized that just one letter makes a big difference.

    Anyways, I was also wondering if Osama (its ‘s’ not ‘b’ this time)  is really dead. He was probably dead 10 years ago (and the 2nd May operation was a farce). Or maybe he is alive somewhere giggling at the death of one of his clones (and the 2nd May operation was a farce again).

    Osama has a clone in every part of the world. Which brings me to another question – what happened to sadda Indian Osama – Pradhuman Singh ? He simply disappeared after the fun-tastic “Tere Bin Laden“. Probably he is also sitting somewhere giggling at the entire episode while gorging on a fabulous piece of Tandoori Kukkar.

    Whatever the facts may be, in conclusion I just want to add that – Obama ki jai ho aur Osama ki maa ki aankh…

    Jai Shri Ram, Jai Ganga Maiiya

    CS

    Categories: Random

    Dissecting Purity

    It’s been a while since I have blogged, all thanks to my IT job which is basically a “creativity killer”. But then, seldom do you get the opportunity to present something which fascinates everyone alike. All thanks to my like-minded roommate for igniting as well as taking an active role in this sacrilege – that of dismantling tools/devices/equipments of everyday use and showing off my destructive skills (and unfortunately abusing commercial brands at the same time).

    That is what I am going to do today and the object of today’s fantasy is the famous “Germ kill Processor with auto shut-off feature” which is part of Hindustan Unilever’s Pure-it water purifier – sounds like some next generation Intel processor with water purifying capabilities.

    So, our virgin Germ kill processor (GKP) looks like this:

    The Virgin

    The Virgin

    The red colored indicator descends downwards over the course of time and its complete descent is basically a drum-roll for the replacement of our GKP. And mind you, the replacement kit costs around 280 bucks (for the compact model) which includes the GKP along with two carbon filters (which according to me require no replacement at all).

    Notice the white colored substance below this red indicator? That, we realized is the crux of the GKP i.e. it’s a chemical that is supposed to kill germs and the bacteria (luckily not humans). Those who said “sounds like chlorine” are correct. This chlorine gradually becomes scarce as it purifies the incoming water which causes the red colored ring (cum indicator) to make a downward descent (which is forced from above the ring using a plastic spring).

    Used up GKP

    Used up GKP

    The Beginning of The End

    The Beginning of The End

    The Red-Ring and the Plastic-Spring

    The Red-Ring and the Plastic-Spring

    So basically PureIt is trying to chlorinify our drinking water and call it as “germ–kill processing”. But who cares as long as no one falls sick 🙂 .

    Another mystery is that of the auto shut off feature. Does it really work? And, if it indeed does, then how? Well, we cannot answer the first question since we replaced the GKP as soon as we saw the “sunset” (I swear). But we can provide a logical answer to the second question (assuming it really works). Our red ring comes with a plastic tail which moves in synch with the ring.

    The tail of the red ring

    The tail of the red ring

    Did you spot the hole for water passage?

    Did you spot the hole for water passage?

    So as soon as the ring reaches the lowest point in the GKP, the tip of its tail is supposed to block the hole for water passage which is supposed to “auto shut-off” the flow of water. Ingenious isn’t it? This is Indian Jugaad at its best.

    By the way this is what the chlorine residue from our dissected GKP looked like. (Again in my life did I realize my love for the smell of chlorine – it always reminds me of my swimming training days in Mumbai).

    The baby is born

    The baby is born

    A closer look

    A closer look

    On a parting note, we have decided to look out for a chlorine tablet supplier who can assist us in handling all the future “sunsets” in a more eco-friendly manner. (Come-on, we are saving 280 bucks, two pieces of carbon filters and a lot of plastic – this is definitely a green initiative)

    Don’t think too much of the chlorine in the purified water. The carbon filters are supposed to take it out.

    So, drink pure water and stay Cool this summer.

    CS

    Categories: Technology